tanvi's digital journal

I recently re-watched the Hindi movie ‘English Vinglish.’ There is a scene in which Shashi’s laddoos are served to her family members. Everyone is praising the taste of her laddoos, when her husband slides into the conversation and says, “My wife was born to make laddoos.”

This comment elicits laughter from others in the room. Shashi does not say a word, but her reaction speaks volumes.

You can watch the clip here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1VPUP36E7As

(Just to provide some context to those who have not watched the movie: Shashi is a housewife, and her family (mainly her husband and daughter) makes fun of her for not being fluent in English. This gives her an inferiority complex. When her husband mockingly says, “My wife was born to make laddoos,” it implies that for him, her worth is limited to her skills in the kitchen and that she is not capable of more. The movie is about her regaining her self-confidence by taking the bold step of learning English by enrolling for a Spoken English class in New York, all by herself.)

This scene had a real impact on me because it underlines the loose ends that are often attached with jokes. In the name of being “funny,” many of us unknowingly, or deliberately, hurt people. And the person who is hurt, like Shashi, mostly remains quiet, fearing further humiliation for not being able to take a joke.

The thing about a joke is that you can never predict how a person reacts to it. It’s so subjective and dependent on things like the context, the relationship between the person who cracks the joke and the person towards whom the joke is targeted, the popularity of the former, the sensitivity level of the latter, etc.

I spent a lot of time analyzing jokes that have hurt me and planned to write about that. However, good sense prevailed and I had the realization that: It happens. People hurt you and laugh at you. Rather, they hurt you by laughing at you. You’ve probably done the same to others. It’s easy to play victim than villain. But we are humans, and we are equally capable of causing pain as we are to feeling it.

The point is NOT to stop making jokes and just say plain, nice things to everyone. A lil’ roast and banter adds some spice to life. But, I’ve witnessed jokes that go too far and the effect of such jokes on the targeted person, mainly on their confidence levels.

So what do you do when you become a laughingstock?

I personally think that if someone occasionally mocks you, just let it go. You may disagree, but as someone who is generally non-confrontational, this is a good way to prevent things from spiraling out of control. Nobody is perfect and even the nicest of people can be mean sometimes. You also don’t want to be the kind of person who gets offended or defensive for everything. Being able to take a joke makes you more approachable and carefree.

If you’re close and comfortable enough with that person, you can calmly tell them that you didn’t like the joke. If they’re understanding, then they will, well, understand. And probably apologize. And hopefully not repeat the same in future.

But sometimes, you have to deal with a person who’s always joking and making you the target of their jokes for no reason, to the point that it becomes annoying. Their “jokes” are more like insults–patronizing, below the belt, and frankly speaking, unnecessary. This person has no problem in praising others, but cannot find a single nice word to say to you. And yes, this person is someone you can’t avoid interacting with–they’re either in your family, workplace, or social circle.

It’s taken me sometime to realize that if someone constantly puts you down in order to feel better about themselves, then it speaks more about them and their insecurities, NOT you.

But since you have to deal with this person fairly often, how should you respond?

With words? Sure, if you’re good at giving confident and witty responses. Unfortunately, not everyone is blessed with sharpness of the tongue, and sometimes you end up embarrassing yourself more instead of proving your point.

I think a better, more potent response would be what Shashi did – invest in herself to overcome her own insecurity of not knowing English.

If you’re hurt by a joke, it’s probably because some part of you feels insecure about the subject. If I have to take my own example – in college, I used to feel bad when someone joked about my weight because I was extremely insecure about my appearance back then. The insecurity reduced when I lost some weight, and so did the comments.

“Success is the best revenge,” as they say. Before proving yourself to others, you first need to prove to yourself that you are capable and worthy, by doing what it takes. All this talk about self-love might be overdone on social media, but there is a lot of truth to it. Shashi took matters into her own hands and lovingly destroyed her husband’s ego, not through force, but through confidence and competence.

The ultimate goal, I believe, is to reach a level where jokes, insults, and even praise has no effect on you. Become so confident, resilient, and self-assured that you don’t need any external validation. The journey to reach there is a long one. 🙂