tanvi's digital journal

Popular advice suggests to ‘never settle.’ We’re always in search of the next best thing, in our careers, in relationships, or even in material objects.

Wanting more, or wanting better, is not necessarily bad, especially when you’re young. There is nothing saintly about not being ambitious or desirous of success, wealth, and popularity. Respected Dr. APJ Abdul Kalam sir, who is said to have owned only 3 suits, has himself written in Ignited Minds:

To know their dreams and tell them [school children] that it is perfectly alright to dream of a good life, an abundant life, a life full of pleasure and comforts, and work for that golden era.

(brackets mine)

Work for that golden era – that’s the important part. Working to achieve something requires us to persevere, to hold on, to stay – even, or especially, in the face of setbacks, when things are shaky and unsteady.

I recently had a chat with a charming woman who’s been married for 47 years. “It has been 47 years with him and we still fight,” she joked, “but my life is complete because of him and my children.” We spoke about the importance of marriage, family, and companionship. She was a firm believer in the institution of marriage. According to her, no matter how independent you are, or how many friends you have, the human desire for long-term companionship can be fulfilled only with a spouse. A successful marriage requires effort, and effort demands sacrifice. The sacrifice of serving without acknowledgement, of sleepless nights and silent frustrations, of choosing to love the same person every single day.

I know there will be many people ready to pounce and disagree with her, stating reasons and examples to justify why she’s wrong. I don’t know if I completely agree with her because times have changed, but man, she’s been married for 47 years (and counting). She knows what she’s talking about. I’d rather take her advice than listen to some of my Gen-Z counterparts who shift from relationship to relationship every few months.

Even when it comes to career, we’re told to keep hopping from one job to another and not stay anywhere for too long. But I know a few people who’ve had successful careers by staying. One of my colleagues recently celebrated her 29th work anniversary. Her knowledge and expertise make her indispensable to the organization, and the respect she commands from her colleagues is something that can only be earned through years of hard work, patience, and sincerity. I am acquainted with someone who has worked for a reputable MNC for decades and is now the Managing Director of the company, and a familiar face in industry circles. One of my favorite teachers recently retired after teaching in the same school for almost 30 years, and the love, recognition, and sense of fulfillment that she’s garnered over time is a reward that can be enjoyed only with experience.

Becoming the master of a craft takes time. As Robert Greene writes,

Mastery is not a function of genius or talent. It is a function of time and intense focus applied to a particular field of knowledge.

(emphasis mine)

But but but…

What if I get left behind because I stayed too long? What if my efforts and sacrifices lead to nowhere? What if I let something better slip by because I held too tightly onto something that was not meant for me?

Sometimes, staying for too long in a toxic relationship or dead-end job causes more damage than growth, and leaving is probably the better option. But in other situations, especially when things seem… okay, but not so great, when we feel stuck – “should I leave or should I stay” is a dilemma that most of us grapple with.

I’ve observed that many people in their 20s and 30s believe that leaving is always the better option. The point of writing this article was to put forth the other point of view, i.e., the importance of staying, based not on personal experience (because I don’t have enough experience), but on my personal interactions with people with a lot more life experience than Gen-Zs or millennials.

Personally, I don’t know which side I am on. I guess only time will tell. 🙂

Leaving you with some food for thought with this paragraph from a brilliant article titled “Why We Doubt Everything”:

We celebrate lifelong marriages, we praise decades of determination, but keep telling young people not to do that. Don’t commit too young, don’t compromise at this age, you can never be too sure. We admire the milestone but discourage what it takes to actually get there. And this is cruel, I think, to warn young people away from the very thing we respect.